I was driving down the road the other day with my wife and my two daughters and there was a bin lorry in front of us and all of a sudden this huge dildo fell out of the back of it and bounced off the windscreen. The kids shouted, “WOW! What was that Dad?” Embarrassed and not wanting to tell them what it really was, I said, "It was just a flying insect.” To which my youngest replied, “Was it? I'm surprised it could get off the fucking ground with a cock that big!”
The clock ticks fast once you have kids and the older your kids get the faster the clock ticks. It ticks faster and faster every day and time whizzes by at an alarming rate. It’s frightening really how quickly it passes: Another birthday - gone, another Christmas - gone (another grand on presents – gone!) and before you know it, another year’s gone. Then all of a sudden in what seems like the blink of an eye your kid’s childhood has gone too and they’re no longer kids. It zips past: Born - Nursery - Primary School - Secondary School - Sixteen - Over...... and so are your days of being a dick, which no doubt your kids will be mightily relieved of! So Dads, make the most of it while you can.
With Dave Courtney
And a floral tribute from friends and family at my dad’s funeral:
My Dad’s A Dick, Amazon Kindle: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dads-Dick-Nick-Fisher-Books-ebook/dp/B06XHM7LW7/ref=tmm_kin_title_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1509532778&sr=1-4
In my bodybuilding days aged 28..... .....and before and after a diet at 48
There’s a young boy at the top of a cliff crying his eyes out and a Priest goes by, so he stops and says to the lad, “What’s the matter?” The young boy replies, “My mum and dad have just gone over the edge in the car and they’re both dead.” The Priest looks over the edge of the cliff and see’s the car in a mangled heap below, he turns around, unzips his flies, gets his cock out and says to the sobbing boy, “It’s not your day is it son?”
Joking apart, there is no quick fix if you want the weight to come off and stay off. Forget the celebrity DVD’s and fad diets, they’re all nonsense, and forget the ‘wonder’ weightloss formuals and pills that you see adverised, they’re bollocks too. Cardio, Diet (in that order, don’t diet first) and Dedcation is all you need, and a bit of weight training if you want to add a bit of muscle. (It’s better to be slightly toned as well because muscle tissue burns more calories than fatty tissue even when resting) This book will work for both men and women alike - though you will need a fairly broad sense of humour. And if any of you blokes are looking at the photos and thinking to yourselves, “I can’t get in shape like that’, well yes you can becasue if it works for me it can work for you too. There’s no reason it can’t work for you because at the end of the day you’re a normal bloke just like me and you’re no different than I am. We’re all built the same way: we’ve all got two arms, two legs and a twelve inch cock - well two out of three ain’t bad for you I suppose!
Gym’ll Fix It, Amazon Kindle: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Gymll-Fix-Muscle-yourself-laughing-ebook/dp/B06XKNR46M/ref=la_B017RC4XIS_1_2_twi_kin_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1509535689&sr=1-2
At least the NYPD enjoyed the ‘chicken’ book!
“Over the last thirty years or so Nick has seen and participated in a variety of wind ups and pranks and has done some fairly stupid (and fairly disgusting) things. Some go to plan and some backfire but more often than not people see the funny side - although the girl that Nick farted and followed through on as she gave him a tit wank didn’t laugh at that one. It’s not for the faint hearted and it makes Fifty Shades Of Grey look like Cinderella. The cover by the way is based on a true story (and Nick won a fiver for it.)”
Youtube book clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAJODPhXUDQ
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? Amazon Kindle: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Did-Chicken-Cross-Road-ebook/dp/B06XKFNNW8/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
A ‘sensible’ book (well it’s sensible for Nick anyway) full of interesting facts - like this one about Captain Pugwash: Youtube book clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnDfcEv6eU0
Bet you never knew ‘pugwash’ meant that did you!
Why Do Dogs Sniff Your Balls, Amazon Kindle: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Dogs-Sniff-Your-Balls-ebook/dp/B06XJ7L81V/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
Though not everyone sees the funny side of the books:
Daily Mail - “Cancer Research are very ungrateful indeed for Nick’s donations” http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5170771/Cancer-charity-asks-author-stop-saying-donates.html
Just a few words on the Daily Mail article as it doesn’t actually show the full interview. As quite a few of you probably already knew I (used to) donate to Cancer Research from the sale of the books. It wasn’t a massive amount, only fifty pence from each copy but as the saying’s go, ‘every little helps’ and ‘it’s the thought that counts’. Well apparently not. Because after someone complained about the content and said that Cancer Research shouldn’t be accepting donations from such material, CRUK informed me that they no longer wanted to be associated with the books nor did they want the donation. I found this unbelievable on two counts, one, that some prick would actually ring up and complain, and two, that CRUK actually sided with this person instead of saying, “Look, fuck off, we need every penny we can.” Cancer is a fucking horrible, disgusting, shitty disease that causes nothing but misery and suffering for millions of people and their families and the sooner there’s a cure for it the better and Cancer Research should be grateful for ANY donation no matter where it comes from. And like I said, I don’t think for one minute that anyone suffering from cancer would give two fucks if money being donated - that’s going towards trying to find a cure - came from a book that contained a few swear words and had a picture of Santa on the cover with his bollocks hanging out. (The complaint came after someone read ‘Bollocks To Christmas’.) In fact, when the person from CRUK rang me I said to him, “Let me ask you this. If you were suffering from cancer and treatment was available but you had to pay for it yourself but you couldn’t afford it and I offered to pay for it from a donation from the books, would you accept the donation and have the treatment and live or refuse the donation and die?” He said that obviously he’d accept the donation - as anyone would. But it’s a bit hypocritical really isn’t it when you think about it? In that, someone at Cancer Research would gladly accept a donation to save their own life but they won’t accept donations to try and save other people’s. And for the cynic’s out there (and there’s loads of them, believe me) as for your comments in the Mail Online that people like me only donate because it drives sales, well that’s complete and utter bollocks. It makes no difference whatsoever to sales. Look at it this way. If you were on a car pitch and you were looking for a Range Rover and you saw a BMW and it had a sticker on it saying ‘£500 from the sale of this car is being donated to Cancer Research’ it’s not going to make you buy it is it, because you’re looking for a Range Rover. And it’s the same with my books. If you pick one up off the shelve and read the opening couple of pages and you’re appalled by it, you’re not going to think to yourself, “What disgusting filth! I don’t think that’s funny at all but I’ll buy it anyway because fifty pence is going to Cancer Research.” You’re only going to buy it if it appeals to your sense of humour. (There were no stickers on the front either saying I donate to cancer research as it said in the Mail, I’ve no idea where they got that from.) And as for the person that complained about CRUK accepting my donations. Firstly, I presume that you’ve never seen a mate or anyone close to you waste away to skin and bone and watched them suffer in fucking agony and stood there looking at them wishing that you could put a pillow over their face and smother them to put them out of their misery. Secondly, you’re probably one of those cunts that’s got nothing better to do than complain, and no doubt you’re the type of person that turns on the television and gets offended by a programme in the first five minutes but instead of turning it over and watching something else you’ll sit there and watch it all the way through just so you can write in and complain! Why people do this is beyond me, there’s over 300 channels to choose from for fucks sake! Two hundred and eighty of them are shit, granted, but it still leaves twenty. And thirdly, it was probably you who once complained after buying one of my books and asked for a refund, and if it was, then you’ve already seen our reply, though for the rest of you our reply to that dick’s request can be seen at the bottom of the page.
And this was from when I applied to go on Dragons Den with my idea to tackle car crime: The Best Steering Lock Ever - a pair of my underpants. Not surprisingly I didn’t get invited onto the show. And I doubt very much any of the dragons would have invested anyway. I also had them for sale on ebay and emailed the page link to places like Halfords, Europarts and Kwik Fit asking them if they sold this type of steering lock. I’d loved to have seen the look on the faces of those that work in customer services at Halfords when they clicked on the link. Though they really do work. I leave my car unlocked every night and it still doesn’t get nicked! I did it as part of a publicity stunt for the new book: ‘The Best Steering Lock Ever/The Best Husband and Wife Joke Book Ever’ etc, (below, the one that Prince Harry was given as a wedding present) and it worked. Sales doubled overnight - I’ve now sold TWO copies! And I bought one of those myself! I’ll let you make your own mind up as to whether it’s a mixture of Marmite and HP sauce or whether it’s the result of me farting and following through one morning after I’d had six pints of Guinness and a chicken vindaloo the night before.
If you look closely at the picture below you’ll see in the bottom left hand corner a wisdom tooth. It’s mine. I had it removed at the dentists one day and I took it in the pub at the night and put it in a packet of pork scratchings and left them on the table and ‘Marv’ one of my mates (the one with the half inch cock who I mention in Gym’ll Fix It) picked it up and put it in his mouth and started sucking and chewing on it! He nearly fucking threw up when he realised what it was. Well what are friends for, eh!
We sent the email below to a couple of Gary Lineker's agents/advisers as part of a stunt for a production we're working on called 'UP THE WRONG 'UN', one of whom replied, albeit just the one word - MORON! Ironically, it's probably the same word that springs to the minds of most people after they've been on my Facebook page or this website! Personally I think viewing figures for Match Of The Day would rocket if the BBC took on the idea....
We were wondering if your client, Gary Lineker, would be interested in making a series of short video's called 'Snatch Of The Day' which we plan to pitch to the BBC for them to show at the end of Match Of The Day. Basically, each week at the end of the programme an attractive page three type model wearing a knee length premiership football shirt sits in between the two pundits, say, Alan Shearer and Ian Wright. Gary then introduces her and says, "And this week's snatch of the day is Tracy from Tottenham," and lifts up her shirt. The model then open's her legs and shows the viewers her snatch. Gary then has a quick look at her minge, turns and smiles at the camera and says, "Nice tackle." And that's all he has to do. However, as we abide by the equal opportunities law and we firmly believe in gender equality, every other week we plan to have a Ladyboy on the show. Do you think Gary would have a problem lifting up the shirt of a Ladyboy and saying he thinks she has nice tackle after looking at her throbber?
Could you please let us know if this may be of interest to him. For further information on ourselves and our services please visit: bollockstochristmas.com
The Laughter House
And if you happen to be looking for a bricklayer to build a wall for you then whatever you do don’t ask my mate Kev - that useless fat cunt that I talk about in Gym’ll Fix It - to do it. I made that mistake recently when I asked him if he could do some brickwork for me and he said he would as he didn’t have much work on. Well looking at what he built at the front of my house I’m not fucking surprised he hasn’t got much work on. And if you happen to be reading this Kev, just out of curiosity, what did you use to put the cement inbetween the bricks with - a pointing trowel or a fucking catapult?
This is the book that you may have read about in the papers after it was bought as a wedding present for Prince Harry by one of his old army pals - I’ll let you know if I get an invite to Buckingham Palace. Well if it’s good enough for a royal marriage then it’s good enough for ANY marriage!
Husband – Wife
A bloke runs in the house and shouts upstairs to his wife, “Pack a couple of suitcases I’ve just won the .lottery!” His wife shouts down, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?” And her husband shouts back, “I couldn’t give a fuck what you pack just get out.”
A little old lady wanted to go to the pet cemetery to bury her cat and got on the bus and whispered to the driver, “I’ve got a dead pussy.” The driver turned around and pointed to a woman sat at the back of the bus and said, “Go and sit next to my wife, she’s got one as well.”
A man and his wife were out walking and they came across a wishing well so the husband leaned over it, threw a penny in and made a wish. His wife then leaned over it and threw a penny in and made a wish but she leaned over the well too far and fell in it and drowned and her husband said, “Fuck me, it works!”
Mirrors can't talk - luckily for my wife they can't laugh either.
A bloke walks in the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, “This is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.” His wife looks at him and says sarcastically, “I think you’ll find that that’s a sheep.” And her husband replies, “I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep.”
If your wife is screaming and shouting at the front door and the dog is barking at the back door which one do you let in first? The dog, obviously, because he’ll shut up once you let him in.
My wife said to me, “Tell me honestly, am I the only woman you sleep with?” I said, “Yes, you are the only one I sleep with. I’m up all night with the others shagging.”
My mate said to me, “My wife left me the other day. I’ve tried crying but tears just won’t come out. What can I do to make myself cry?” So I said, “Imagine she’s come back again.”
Wife – Husband
A woman went to the doctors to get her husband’s blood test results and the receptionist said to her, “We’ll need a stool sample, a urine sample and a sample of your husband’s semen.” So the woman said, “I’ll drop a pair of his underpants off tomorrow.”
My husband said to me, “Why do you enjoy sex so much on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights?” I said, "Because you work on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights.”
A woman was in court for assaulting her husband and the judge said to her, “Why did you hit your husband over the head with a chair?” And she replied, “Because the table was far too heavy for me to pick up.”
What’s the best way to a man’s heart? Straight through his chest with a sharp knife.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball? Your husband will make an effort to find his golf ball.
My husband said to me, "What would you most like to do with my body?" So I said, "Identify It."
A wife says to her husband, “Do you fancy changing positions tonight?” Her husband says excitedly, “Ooh! I like the sound of that.” So she says, “Okay, you do the dishes and the ironing and I’ll sit on the sofa and watch tele' and fart all fucking night.”
I installed a mirror on the ceiling over our bed and my husband said to me, “I didn’t know you liked to watch yourself writhe and moan in ecstasy during sex?” I said, “I don’t, I like to watch myself laugh during sex.”
Men are like snow storms: You never know when they're coming, how many inches you're going to get, or how long they're going to last.
And as well as the planned comedy based on his books Nick has also written The X Rated Sketch Show and Up The Wrong ‘Un. Further details will be available soon.
I better not fuck this one up!
And you may have read about this book that I helped write after it also appeared in the papers. It’s called Giving Away My Millions and I helped write it for a multi-millionaire who gives his money away to complete strangers in biazrre and unusual ways and who has so far given away over £1.5 million. The story of how I met him is in the chapter Can You Spare A Multi Millionaire A Pound Please? And tells of how I was on a car park getting a ticket from the machine and he asked me if I could give him a pound so he could get a ticket himself as he’d forgotten his wallet. I thought he was taking the piss at first and that it was a wind up and that it was being filmed for one of those candid camera type shows where members of the public are set up. And the reason I thought that was becuase he was driving a £150,000 Bentley and he was asking me for a quid! I did actually say to him are you taking the fucking piss but he said he wasn’t and that he genuinely had forgotten his wallet and so I gave him a quid and as I went to walk away he gave me £100! I didn’t know it at the time but I was a ‘victim’ of one of his ‘generosity tests’ he sometimes does where he rewards people for being kind or for helping others. It really is a remarkable story. The book’s web page link for it is below along with a couple of the links for two of the newspaper stories. The book is also now being turned into a film as well as a television show based on ‘Toms’ tests called It Pays To Be Nice in which unsuspecting members of the public are candidly filmed and then rewarded with cash and prizes if they ‘pass’ a test by showing generosity or an act of kindness to somene else.
(It’s not thee Tom Jones by the way!)
The book is available on Amazon via the webpage link above, however read the product information page before you buy it as you’ll see that one or two sellers, namely Kash801 and millbookco are advertising used copies of the book as new. Sellers like these two cunts should be flung off Amazon as they are deliberately ripping buyers off - and ripping authors and publishers off too. And Amazon are a load of cunts as well for allowing it to continue even though they’ve been informed about it. NJF Books are the only sellers of the book from new.
And here’s how to piss your wife off on Valentines Day - buy the dog a card and not her...!
And here’s how to reply to a ridiculous refund request.....
In response to your request for a refund, firstly, regarding your comment that the book was a lot shorter than you expected, just exactly how many pages do you expect a book that’s advertised as having 32 pages to have? 96 pages? 110 pages? or 150 perhaps? We think any normal person would expect 32. (See Amazon’s product details page showing the page count.) On that page it also says in the product description that it’s a festive ‘ditty’so we’re ever so slightly baffled as to why you’re complaining the book is written in the form of a poem. Add to this that on the book’s webpage (bottom link) it clearly says that it’s an adult poem it makes this part of your complaint even more baffling. And just below that it also warns that Nick’s books contain adult humour and strong language and not to buy if easily offended. And surely the picture of Santa on the cover bending over with his testicals dangling down gives an indication to the content, does it not? Which brings us to what you consider ‘the offensive comments’.
Well in Nick’s (and most other people’s opinion) Christmas records are shite and people do get fed up hearing Cliff Richard’s ‘Logs On The Fire’ and Slade’s ‘Merry Christmas Everybody’ repeatedly belted out on the radio throughout December, and nobody really cares anymore if Bing Crosby has a white Christmas. There’s more chance of it pissing down on Christmas day - particularly in Manchester where Nick lives - than there is of it snowing. He’s also sick to death of James Bond films, The Great Escape and Morecambe and Wise Christmas specials being repeated on television every year. And it’s highly unlikely that Her Majesty will be buying a copy of the book anyway, so unless someone rings her up and tells her what’s been written (which no doubt you’ll probably do) she’ll never know what Nick - and most of the nation - actually think of her speech. And he doesn’t really care if Manchester’s Christmas Market Stallholder’s, or any Christmas Market Stallholder’s for that matter are offended because what they sell is overpriced and most of it is crap and he’s not the only one that thinks their Mulled Wine tastes disgusting, hence the line ‘..........and extortionately priced cheese made by the Swiss, and as for that disgusting Mulled Wine they flog at a fiver a cup I’d rather drink my own piss.’ And he’s probably not the only Dad that sits there bored shitless watching the school nativity (then gets told off for taking a photo of his daughter) and EVERY parent would agree that the ‘no photo’s’ rule is an absolutely ridiculous one. And the reason behind him thinking it would be a great idea to celebrate Christmas the same way we celebrate the Olympic Games is because that way he’d only have to endure it once every four years. However we do agree with you on one point you made and that’s that the comments about the Virgin Mary at the school nativity may be offensive to some. But then again if you think about it, the idea of a virgin giving birth is quite ludicrous isn’t it?
Finally, we’d just like to point out that we usually agree with the saying that the customer is always right but in this instance we don’t because only a knob head would buy a book that has a picture of Santa on the cover with his bollocks hanging out and then ask for a refund after complaining the content was inappropriate and offensive.
Well, erm, sorry, no, we don’t give refunds to cretins.
Nick Fisher Books
A few short Youtube clips (that some other ball bag with no sense of humour complained about):
Dementia is an awful thing... https://youtu.be/ss6e8PghAeo
Old Macdonald... https://youtu.be/Nhl4pmomrQw
Kids say the funniest things - to Michael Barrymore: https://youtu.be/zaVdCaq6lW8
Babysitter available... https://youtu.be/sZde2PWLLa4
How to make Mo Farah run faster... https://youtu.be/m9Q7qWp9-7E
I love a curry on a Saturday night, but.... https://youtu.be/hQh6njf8Kuw
House clearance..... https://youtu.be/UZydTwG-nd4
For any enquiries please email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Nick’s Amazon author page: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Nick-Fisher-%28Books%29/e/B017RC4XIS/ref=dp_byline_cont_book_1
Copyright Nick Fisher (Books) 2019